Humor
(at least we think so!)
- Love is grand, divorce is: ??
- Why is divorce so expensive? ??
- What do you call an attorney who is too incompetent to do his job?
??
- A young child asks his divorced father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" To which the father replies...
??
- A divorce attorney tells his client, "Well, your X is demanding that you rot in hell for all eternity, but our position is..."
??
- The good news is: My divorce is final. The bad news is: ??
- What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? ??
- A drunk stands up in a bar, and shouts, "All lawyers are assholes!" Another patron nearby responds, "Hey, I resent that!" The drunk asks, "Why, are you a lawyer?"
To which the other patron responds: ??
- What is the problem with lawyer jokes? ??
- You are standing in an elevator with a rapist, a child molester, and a lawyer. You have a gun, but only two bullets. Who do you shoot? ??
Quotable Quotes
(we don't guarantee it, but we think so!)
- Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams-
- Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne
- Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal-
- You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-Sean Connery-
- According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-Robert De Niro-
- In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
-Hugh Grant-
- We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can.
All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-Elayne Boosler-
- There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
-Dustin Hoffman-
- There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield-
- If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Clooney-
- Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
-Rod Stewart-
- See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams-
- Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
-Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)-
- You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
-Yasir Arrafat (On going to war over religion)-
- On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
-Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)-
- And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'
-George Burns-
- What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
-Sandra Bullock-
- The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'
-Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld)-
- Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
-Sharon Stone-
- There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
-Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)-
- I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
-Arnold Schwarzenegger-
- Sincerity is the most important thing in acting. Once you learn how to fake that, you have it made.
-Sam Goldwyn (Hollywood producer)-
- Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
-Tiger Woods-
- I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
-Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)-
- Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
-Rev. Jesse Jackson-
- My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*tch.
-Jack Nicholson-
- If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base.
-Dave Barry-
- What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
-Marilyn Pittman-
- Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find
you a temp.
-Bob Ettinger-
- My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.'
-Paula Poundstone-
- A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
D'uh.
-Conan O'Brien-
- If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead.
-Johnny Carson-
- Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
-Oscar Wilde-
- Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
institution yet.
-Mae West-
- Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of
Congress . . . But I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain-
- Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait.
-A. Whitney Brown-
- When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in
his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
-Author Unknown-
- Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
-Drew Carey-
Excerpts from
"Disorder in the Court"
(actual courtroom testimony!)
- Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
- Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
- Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
- Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
- Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
- Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
- Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
- Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
- Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
- Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?
- Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
- Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
- Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
- Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
- Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
- Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
- Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Fun Links
Warning!! The following links have absolutely NOTHING to do with children, divorce, custody, or any other issue normally related to Custody Reform. They are merely here for your enjoyment. Please feel free to suggest, via email, any amusing sites you have found in your surfing.
